How Anakin Brought Balance Again
by squelchything
Summary: How did Anakin REALLY bring balance to the Force? Read this to find out! WARNING: If you are a fan of the EU or Mara Jade, I don't recommend you read this fic, as it makes fun of both.
1. Dead Jedi

The Dead Jedi are watching the events of the NJO from the vantage point of whatever dimension they exist in. To say they are dismayed would be gross understatement.   
  
Yoda: Ah, Obi-Wan, another padawan of yours screwed up is.   
  
Obi: What do you mean, padawan of mine? You trained him!   
  
Anakin (arguably the most depressed of the three): Luke, my son! You're a Jedi, you saved me from the Dark side…and then you go and marry that...thing!! What happened?!   
  
Obi: I second that! What IS it, even?   
  
Anakin (dramatic voice: She was known as the Emperor's Hand…Job.   
  
Obi-Wan looks puzzled. Yoda, who in 900 years has gleaned considerable knowledge of the galaxy, whacks Anakin across the shins with his gimer stick.   
  
Ani: Ow!   
  
Yoda: Wash your mouth out with soap, I would, if one of my younglings you were!   
  
Obi (catching on at last): Oh! OH. (blushes)   
  
Anakin: But I don't know where she came from, or in what twisted universe she is allowed to exist!!   
  
Yoda: Hmm. Many and varied the tales of her birth are. In all of them her mother red-gold and beautiful and obnoxious was…   
  
Anakin: I get the picture! Ewww!   
  
Yoda: Many say Obi-Wan her father was—   
  
Anakin: But that would involve…Obi-Wan…getting laid…(grins) They sure don't have much of a grasp of his character!   
  
Obi (gloomily): You never said a truer word, my very young apprentice.   
  
Yoda: Heard, I have, that you, Anakin, her father was…   
  
Anakin: Nnoooooooo! That's not true!! It's IMPOSSIBLE!! I don't have any MORE secret children! I would never be unfaithful to my Padme! (pauses) That would mean poor Luke is married to his OTHER sister—And by the way, Master, you might have given the poor kid a HINT that Leia was, well, UNAVAILABLE as far as he was concerned…   
  
Obi: I was dead, Anakin.   
  
Ani: Like that would have stopped you.   
  
Yoda: Heh. Ahem. That Palpatine her sired, another theory is.   
  
Anakin: Excuse me while I clean out my ears…you did say PALPATINE? As in, Machiavellian-politician-cum-evil-Sith-Lord? My Sith master? THAT Palpatine? Because the thought of Palpatine procreating…I think I'm going to vomit.   
  
Obi-Wan: Anakin, you're one with the Force. You can't vomit. You don't have a stomach. (Thoughtfully) You know, that theory does make a twisted kind of sense, Master Yoda…   
  
Anakin (moans): Luke, I didn't save you from the Emperor so you could marry his spawn…   
  
Obi-Wan (glancing at the travesty of the NJO): Apparently they are trying to make up for a thousand years of Jedi celibacy all by themselves…   
  
Ani: I did NOT want to know that.   
  
Obi: Master Yoda, where did we go wrong?   
  
Yoda: Getting screwed over Leia is too…invaded the galaxy is being by aliens who exist not in the Force…   
  
Obi and Anakin exchange glances and burst out laughing.   
  
Anakin (lying on his front hitting the ground): The galaxy's—being invaded—by—non-existent aliens!! Ha ha ha ha!   
  
Yoda: Heh heh heh!   
  
Obi-Wan (giggling): You know, the recent history of the galaxy reads like a cheap holonovel.   
  
Anakin (sobering up): A badly plotted, ill conceived, poorly characterised CRAPPY cheap holonovel.   
  
Yoda. Hmmmm….clouded, the future is. I fear, that started with the Zahn-hack, this did.   
  
An: What's that?   
  
Obi: It's a long story.   
  
Yoda: Very long story, yes! Full of banal plots, crappy characterisations, and rampant Gary Stu's, mmmm!   
  
Anakin: We've got to do something to stop this!   
  
Yoda: Stopped it must be. Mmm. Meditate on this, I will. 


	2. My Ani can fix anything!

The Lars family and Padme are also watching the NJO unfolding. Padme and Beru are hugging, both nearly in tears.  
  
Padme: Oh, my baby! My poor baby!  
  
Beru (sniffing): Why couldn't you have found yourself a NICE GIRL, Luke? It's a big galaxy...  
  
Owen (grumpily): I told him I'd tan his hide if he so much as LOOKED at those Scarlet Women in Mos Eisley, and what does the boy do? Marries one!  
  
Cliegg: He was such a sweet little boy...so kind...so helpful (shakes head)  
  
Owen (muttering): Too-much-of-his-father-in-him.  
  
Shmi: He evidently doesn't have my Ani's good taste in women, my dear. (Pats Padme's shoulder)  
  
Padme: Leia's husband has become a drunk-  
  
Owen: What can you expect from a space pirate?  
  
Padme: My grandchildren are brats...oh dear oh dear.  
  
Suddenly, Qui-Gon Jinn appears.  
  
Shmi: Hello, sir!  
  
Padme stands. Suddenly, she is Amidala again.  
  
Padme: Master Jinn. Are you aware of this...situation?  
  
Qui: I am indeed. Master Yoda believes, however, that it can be remedied. I myself have been working on a small part of the plan.  
  
Beru: You mean this mess can be fixed? How?  
  
Qui-Gon: Anakin will bring balance. He is the Chosen One.   
  
Shmi: My Ani can fix anything!  
  
Owen: I'll believe it when I see it!  
  
Qui: Would you like to watch it then, sir?  
  
Cliegg: Sure.  
  
Qui-Gon leads them to Anakin, Yoda and Obi-Wan.  
  
Anakin: Hi, Angel! Hi, Mom!  
  
Padme and Shmi hug him.  
  
Beru: Hello, Ben.  
  
Obi: Hello Beru. Owen.  
  
Anakin nods to his stepfamily.  
  
Anakin: Hi, Cliegg, Owen, Beru. How've you been?  
  
Owen: Dead.  
  
Yoda: Gathered here, we are, to witness the righting of a great wrong. The marriage of Luke Skywalker to, hmm, Mara Jade.  
  
Padme: Marriage, indeed!  
  
Restive muttering from everyone else.  
  
Anakin: That SLUT has the cheek to call itself 'Skywalker'! Mattress Laid Streetwalker would be more like it! There are only three Skywalker women; my mom, my wife and my daughter!!  
  
Obi: Anger is of the Dark Side, Anakin.  
  
Ani: So's that red-gold Mange! And that's another thing-'service to evil is still service' Where exactly did you leave that excellent moral sense of yours, Luke? On the planet with the furry lizards, perhaps?  
  
Yoda; At least the grace to admit, that of the Dark Side you were, Anakin. Totally hypocritical and unrepentant, Tang Stain is. Only the Chosen One, with the Force as his ally, can the galaxy rid of the heritage of the Sith, and balance bring.  
  
Obi: I'm afraid that I cannot help you, Anakin. The Zahn-hack stopped me from visiting Luke using the Plot Device.  
  
Yoda: But stopped ME, no one has! Visit my last padawan, I think it is time.  
  
Qui: I'll just stay here, shall I, and shout helpful advice occasionally.  
  
Obi: Cos that worked so well last time, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon; Oh! I almost forgot! Anakin!  
  
Anakin: What?  
  
Qui: Not you, the other one.  
  
A teenage boy with fair hair and bright blue eyes appears.  
  
Qui-Gon; This is Anakin Solo. Although his death was a relief at the time, due to his extreme Mara-worship, I have been teaching him the true ways of the Force since he died.  
  
Anakin Solo: I see now how deluded I was by that thing I called Aunt Mara.  
  
Anakin Skywalker: You're Leia's youngest, aren't you? Why in the galaxy did she call you after me? The last time I saw her, she told me to get lost. I said I'd come back when she'd forgiven me, but she never called. I'd have expected Luke, now...  
  
Yoda: Too confusing, with two 'Anakin's, it is. Call you something else, we should.  
  
Anakin Skywalker: How about Kin? It's better than 'Ani'.  
  
Anakin Solo, henceforth known as Kin): Sure! Let's go!  
  
Yoda: Save the galaxy again, we will! 


	3. Married Tang Stain you did! Lost your br...

Luke and Jacen are talking when the Dead Jedi appear.  
  
Luke: Master Yoda? Father?  
  
Yoda: Talk to you, I must! Married Tang Stain, you did! Lost your brains you must have!  
  
Anakin (to Jacen, while Yoda harangues Luke): You're the only one of my grandchildren not to become a complete Marasite. Well done! However, to set you straight: there is a Dark Side. I should know, I served it for twenty years.  
  
Jacen: But Vergere said...  
  
Ani: That feathery pest? I don't know why Obi-Wan and I ever bothered going off to look for her. Pity she hadn't stayed lost.  
  
(Anakin turns to Luke. Yoda is now walloping him with his ghostly gimer stick.)  
  
Anakin: What possessed you, my son?  
  
Luke: Uumm...I thought I was going to die at the time?  
  
Ani: That's no excuse! Although, come to think of it, your mother...  
  
Yoda: A good woman and a lady, your mother was! A horror without words, Jade is!  
  
Luke: To tell you the truth, I'm sick of her myself. All that endless preening and pampering...the way she scolds me all the time...I hardly get to touch my own child...  
  
Ani: That's the spirit, Luke! Reject the Dark Side...for the #4371 time!  
  
Yoda: If resisted the Dark Side YOU had, Anakin-  
  
Ani: Er-yes, Master. Let's go see Leia, shall we?  
  
Everyone troops into Leia's office. She is hidden behind stacks of papers on refugee relocation, Vong-fighting and other galaxy-saving stuff. Jaina is also there, in the middle of an EU!Skywalker-sized whining session.  
  
Leia: Jaina, I'm trying to work here.  
  
Jaina: But Mo-om...  
  
Jacen: Visitors, Mom.  
  
Leia: Hello, Father.  
  
Jaina: That's DARTH VADER?!!  
  
Luke, Leia, Yoda and Anakin, in unison: Anakin Skywalker, actually.  
  
Jaina: Whatever.  
  
Anakin: Leia, I can't say how sorry I am for...well, everything.  
  
Leia: I have forgiven you, Father, At least you repented. Unlike my DEAR sister-in-law.  
  
Anakin: I've come to fix that, actually.  
  
Leia: You know, you're not so bad after all. Luke was right; under all that evil there was a sensible human being somewhere. You think you can bring my REAL brother back?  
  
Jaina: Well, anyway, I want you to get Prince Iso-loser to stop hitting on me. It's disgusting, he's old enough to be my father...   
  
Leia: Wow, a sensible complaint at last.  
  
Jaina: ...in fact if you'd married him that time he WOULD be my father...  
  
Leia: Whoa. What time? Hon, the only person I was ever thinking of marrying was your father. We got married on Endor after we blew up the second Death Star...and then we had a slight 'hyperdrive malfunction' on the way to Coruscant...kind of like the one on the way to Bespin, only accidentally-on-purpose and a lot more fun...(She smiles reminiscently)  
  
Luke: So that's what happened...  
  
Jacen: La la la not listening, not listening...  
  
Jaina: Well, where did you think we came from, Jasa? The intergalactic stork?  
  
Yoda: Heh heh. Already, balance is being restored. Never happened, the Unfaithfulness and Kidnapping and Other Crap of the Doppelganger of Princess Leia.  
  
Anakin: So what about this Ass-holder guy? Got to stop his paedophilic tendencies towards my granddaughter! Maybe I should give him a talking-to?   
  
Leia: Like you 'talked to' Han in Cloud City?  
  
Anakin: I thought you forgave me?  
  
Leia: Get rid of that pest Iso-loser and I'll forget Cloud City.  
  
Ani: Deal. (He heads outside.)  
  
Jacen: What about that old flame of Dad's? Brarf or something?  
  
Han (coming in through the door): Who? Oh, Bria Tharen? Tart. Don't know what I saw in her. Your mom's the only woman I ever loved, son. Sweetheart, kids, guess what...  
  
Leia: Anakin's back!  
  
Luke: Both of them!  
  
Kin emerges from behind the door.  
  
Kin: No point hiding from a family of Jedi!  
  
Hugs and tears all round.  
  
Han: Whose the tall guy with the lightsaber? I thought I knew most of the Jedi.  
  
Leia: That's your father-in-law, Han.  
  
Han: Huh? He looks a lot different to the last time I saw him. Lost the tin can, for a start. Anyway, didn't he die?  
  
Leia: He's come back to get rid of Isolder-and Mara.  
  
Han: Praise the Force! Hallelujah!  
  
Luke: I thought you didn't believe in the Force, Han?  
  
Han: That was thirty years ago, kid. Besides, this is enough to make a believer out of anyone!  
  
Jaina: He's going to KILL AUNT MARA?!  
  
Kin: Yup. Don't worry, the blindness will wear off in time. It did for me, and I was a hopeless case!  
  
From outside comes the click-hum of a lightsaber activating, then a scream from Isolder as he is sent to Gary-Stu hell.  
  
Han: I should have done that years ago. (Kisses Leia. Luke smiles, Kin and Jacen roll their eyes at each other.)  
  
Anakin (returning): I finished off a few other Gary Stu's while I was at it. Corran Horn, Kyp Durron, Karrde, Grand Admiral Yawn...Do we have any large pits or chasms around here?  
  
Luke: There's a giant garbage masher with a viewing gallery on the other side of the building. Why?  
  
Anakin: The Bad Guy in any lightsaber duel has to fall down a big hole when he is defeated. It's symbolic.  
  
Leia: Does this mean you're going to duel Mara now?  
  
Yoda: Face her you must. Mind what you have learned! Save you it can!  
  
Luke: Come on, everyone! 


	4. Father please!

They set off for the garbage masher; first Yoda with his stick, then the Solobabies, then Luke, Leia, Han and Anakin. Luke hugs Leia as they walk along, silently begging forgiveness for his neglect of her. Han cuts in on the other side of Leia and ruffles Luke's hair. They reach the gallery, and sit down on the seats like patrons at a cinema.   
From the other side of the balcony, C-3PO, R2D2 and Chewie walk in.  
  
Han: Chewie!  
  
Chewie: RAAAARRRRR!!!(Translation: It would take more than a moon to stop me!)  
  
Chewie hugs Han, then tries to hug Luke, Leia and the kids all at once.  
  
Kin: Uncle Chewie!!  
  
Han: You old fuzzball...Together again, huh?  
  
Luke and Leia: Wouldn't miss it!  
  
Chewie: Graaarrgh!  
  
3PO: Chewbacca, it's so good to see you functional again!  
  
Artoo: Beeeeep dwwoooo blaart!  
  
Yoda: Balance returns...  
  
Everyone settles down again.  
  
Leia: You know , the smell reminds me of old times...fond memories...  
  
Luke: I DO NOT have fond memories of that dianoga.  
  
Leia: It's a bit like your wife...strangling, filthy, disgusting, only good for shooting...   
  
Jacen: Well, speak of the devil.  
  
"You're So Vain" magically starts playing. Mara Jade strides with feline grace onto the balcony, her dancer's figure with its astounding (silicon) curves swaying sensuously as she walks. Her red-gold-red-silky-copper-gold reditty-gold hair (tm) blows in a Force enhanced breeze around her beautiful (plastic) face. Her emerald-jade-vivid green eyes flash (she'd had light bulbs installed in a ground-breaking surgery). She holds Ben in her arms, looking like a Madonna and child painting (according to a certian EUthor, a view I consider 'Deluded and Border-line Blasphemous').  
  
Luke: Ben...Master Yoda...Leia, save me! (Hides behind Leia)  
  
Anakin: Hang in there, son.  
  
Yoda: Over this nightmare soon will be.  
  
Mara: Lukie-pookie! Where are you? I need you to stroke my planet-sized ego! Snookums!  
  
Luke: Nnneeeh...  
  
Mara: Leia! I need you to mind my darling Benny-wenny while I look for my 'principal plaything'!   
  
Jacen : Principal plaything?!?! Uncle Luke, what the Sith-spawned hell...  
  
Luke (sinks to the floor): Meep meep...  
  
Jaina: My brain just melted and ran out of my ears.  
  
Anakin: I don't care that I'm one with the Force, I REALLY need to vomit!  
  
Mara: Baby-sitting my kid's all you're good for, you Force-weakling! You worthless ugly hag!  
  
Han draws his blaster.  
  
Han: Watch your mouth, slut!! That's my WIFE you're bad-mouthing!  
  
Kin: My mom's the best mom in the galaxy! She's worth ten of you, Barbie doll!  
  
Jacen: Hear, hear!!  
  
Jaina: Listen to my brother! Whose death you couldn't give a stuff about, even thought he cried over your blasted labour pains!!  
  
Anakin: My daughter, a Force-weakling? This stops NOW!  
  
Anakin holds his lightsaber at the ready.  
  
Yoda: Luke, be brave you must! Defend your sister you should!  
  
Anakin: You nearly killed me for threatening her on the Death Star! Stand up for her! And yourself!  
  
Luke takes Leia's hand and leads her forward.  
  
Luke: Stop insulting my sister! She's a better Jedi than you'll ever be-why I ever made you a Jedi Master, I don't know-and she's not a selfish, whiny, Dark-Side serving WITCH!  
  
Han: Stop being so mealy-mouthed, kid! Say it like it is!  
  
Jacen, Kin and Jaina: Go Uncle Luke!  
  
Yoda: Got his manhood back, your son has.  
  
Anakin: About time!  
  
Mara: Lukie! Why are you being so howwible to me! I'm so beautiful and sexy and wonderful...  
  
Han: Sexy! Ha! You can't hold a glowstick to my Princess! I never liked redheads, and you're the ultimate redheaded slut!  
  
Luke: You're not beautiful, not without two tons of make-up anyway! I've seen your dressing table! It can hardly take the strain!  
  
Jaina (to Jacen): If you ever wondered why she needs her own personal ship, now you know! To cart her beauty aids around!  
  
Kin: My mom's beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, unlike you, you heartless succubus!  
  
Yoda: Going well, this is!   
  
Mara: Lukie-wukie! Let me kiss it all better! I'll even call you Master again...  
  
Luke: Nnooooo....  
  
Mara hands Ben to Leia. As he leaves her arms, he pokes her in the flashing emerald eye.  
  
Ben: Bad Mommy!  
  
He puts his arms round Leia's neck and gives her a sloppy baby-kiss.  
  
Ben: Good Aunty Leia! I wove oo, Aunty Leia!  
  
Anakin: Maybe that child is descended from me after all!  
  
Mara advances on Luke.  
  
Luke: Get away from me!! Father, please....!  
  
Anakin steps forward, and Mara notices him for the first time.  
  
Mara: Who are you?  
  
Luke: That's my father!  
  
Mara: Oh, Darth Vader? That stupid, clumsy idiot? I thought I'd seen the last of you when you murdered OUR MASTER!!!  
  
Leia: Now it comes out!  
  
Yoda: Once you start down the Dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny! Consume you it will!  
  
Jacen: Mara being a case in point.  
  
Mara draws and activates her lightsaber.  
  
Yoda: Anger, aggression, the Dark Side are they!  
  
Anakin: That's MINE!  
  
Ghostly voice of Obi-Wan: This weapon is your life!  
  
Anakin: I KNOW, Master!  
  
Anakin uses the Force to take the lightsaber from Mara.  
  
Anakin: And did this not fall down a reactor shaft along with your hand, Luke?  
  
Leia(dryly): You'll never believe what happened to the hand...  
  
Luke: When you think of indestructible gloves falling through wormholes, the hand pales into insignificance.  
  
Mara pulls out another lightsaber, this one with a red blade.  
  
Han: She shows her TRUE COLOURS at last.  
  
Jaina: Da-ad!  
  
Mara: You think you can defeat ME, old man?  
  
Anakin (grins at Luke): You'll find I'm full of surprises.  
  
Leia, Luke and Ben sit down as Mara advances on Anakin. The lightsabers clash together. After a couple of parries Anakin slices off Mara's right hand, together with the lightsaber. They fall into the garbage masher. Everyone cheers.  
  
Mara: Aaaaaarrrgghgghhh!!  
  
Yoda: The hair! Go for the hair! Destroy the red-goldness(tm) you must!  
  
Anakin seizes Mara's red-gold-red-golditty(tm) hair and scalps her with the lightsaber. There is a flash of blue light, and Mara is revealed to be a shrivelled, hideous hag. She is screaming and drooling in Dark-Side rage, and tries to shot Force-generated lightening at Anakin. It's pretty pathetic, and he easily catches it on his lightsaber.  
  
Anakin: Your powers are weak, Sith-wannabe. You have polluted this galaxy long enough.  
  
He chops her in half with the lightsaber. The bits fall down the shaft. Anakin uses the Force to flip the switch and turn on the compactor.  
  
Anakin: All too easy.  
  
Yoda: Done well you have, young Skywalker. Return we must now. But visit again, we will!  
  
Luke: Thank you, Father! You've saved me!  
  
Anakin: As you saved me, Luke.  
  
Leia (thoughtfully): It was the hair...it cast the spell...once it was gone, there was nothing left. Father-thank you.  
  
The twins hug Anakin before he disappears. Kin pats Yoda on the head.  
---------  
  
Anakin and Yoda return to the other Dead People. Anakin gets several more hugs.  
  
Shmi: Ani, I'm so proud of you! You have brought hope to those who have none!  
  
Qui-Gon: Anakin, you have brought balance. You truly are the Chosen One.  
  
Cliegg: Well done, lad.  
  
Obi: You've done me proud, padawan.  
  
Owen claps Anakin on the back.  
  
Owen: Guess you're not so bad after all, Anakin.  
  
Anakin: Owen, Beru-thanks for looking after my boy.  
  
Beru: No, Ani-thank you for saving him from that hussy.  
  
Padme doesn't say anything at all. But when everyone else has moved back, she wraps her arms round him and draws his head down to hers.  
------------  
  
On Coruscant, the Skywalker/Solo family is watching the Holonet news.  
  
Announcer: ....and reported sightings of a fleet of planet-destroying extra-galactics have been put down to spicers in the Outer Rim having a bad trip. The investigation, spearheaded by Jedi Knight Princess Leia Organa-Solo...  
  
Han kisses the top of Leia's head proudly. They're sitting on the sofa. Luke is on the floor playing with Ben. Jaina, Jacen and Chewie are playing three-way holochess and Kin is cleaning Artoo. It's a peaceful family scene, with no red-gold in sight. Suddenly, the door chime sounds.  
  
Leia: Threepio, the door!  
  
A woman of about Luke and Leia's age enters. She has auburn hair with a few grey streaks at the front, and dark eyes. She's not dazzlingly beautiful, but she has a sweet smile.  
  
Visitor (to Leia): Hello, Princess!  
  
Leia: Hello, Keitin! Long time no see. What have you been doing with yourself?  
  
Keitin: Working in the Coruscant comm network, mostly.  
  
She stops in front of Luke.  
  
Keitin: Do you remember me at all? I brought you a cup of kaff on the Medical Frigate once. In a parallel universe, we're happily married with three children.  
  
Han: That's quite a pick-up line!  
  
Ben grabs Keitin's arm as she kneels in front of him.  
  
Ben: Mommy!  
  
Luke: This is surreal. But then, everything that's happened to me since the Battle of Endor is surreal. At least this is surreal in a GOOD way.  
  
He puts a cautious arm round her shoulders.  
  
Jaina(softly): Aaaaww.  
  
Jacen(equally softly): Eeeewww.  
  
Leia leans back into Han's arms. She whispers in his ear.  
  
Leia: You know, I was matchmaking those two before Endor. I'd forgotten that.  
  
Han: Must have been the Force, sweetheart.  
  
Above them, the blue edged spirits exchange glances.  
  
Anakin: It think it must.   
  
FINIS 


End file.
